Articles & Publications

By Judith E. Glaser |
Published: August 5, 2014


Confrontation is something we tend to avoid. It’s our least developed skill; the ability to confront each other face to face, say what is in our hearts and minds, and at the same time build and strengthen our relationships.

Having difficult conversations scares most people into thinking they will lose a friendship, and so they avoid the truth. When we feel frustrated or angry at someone who we feel has undermined us, we get so upset we just can’t find the words to express ourselves. We end up pushing, not pulling, expressing our worst behaviors, or we may hold it all inside until we boil up and explode.

We now know from Conversational Intelligence research we’ve conducted for the past 5 years, that conflict or even “fear of conflict” causes our brains to produce higher levels of cortisol (the fear hormone) and cortisol is like a red-light to our brains; it closes down the part of our brain where language resides (the prefrontal cortex) and we lose our ability to express ourselves clearly or accurately. 

Since much of what goes on in situations with high emotional content occurs in our minds, and produces this powerful hormone, we will discover that we start to “make stuff up” as we search for the way to describe how we feel. We are no longer in reality; we are in “our story.” Even if the story is not true, it is our story and how we have come to put words to the drama of our experience. Much of our frustration comes from the words we use to tell the story.

Meaning Matters

How do we communicate with each other when we feel pushed to the edge? How do we deal with these challenges to build relationships rather than erode them? How do we masterfully walk ourselves down the ladder of conclusions instead of climbing the ladder of assumptions, inferences, and stories about each other that only reinforce our separateness rather than our connectivity?

Imagine that you have just been recruited onto a project team, only to discover that among your team members is someone you don’t get along with at all. She was one of those people who talked about others behind their backs and couldn’t hold confidences.

You start to remember what it was like working with her, and your blood boils. You wonder how she could have been chosen for this project. You just don’t trust this person. You feel that she’s out to win for herself. Your dreams about being on an exciting project team are crumbling.

In an ideal world, we get to choose the people we want to work with. It starts with choosing a company, a boss, and teammates. Yet today, as teams are formed, we are often dropped into an ongoing drama where there is baggage. You may know some people from previous situations or heard about them from colleagues and friends. They may remind you of the father you never got along with or of your difficult roommate from college.

Searching for Comparables in the Past

When traveling from one situation to the next, you bring your past along to guide your way. You tap into points of view, know-how, rules of conduct, likes and dislikes, giving you the conceptual tools to decide what to do and why.

Rather than entering a new situation with an unbiased and open mind, you search for comparables. You go into your memory bank of similar examples and bring them up to uncover the rules, interpretations, and understandings you need. You have a dialogue with yourself, and perhaps others, about what this new situation will be like, drawing on your past knowledge, insight, and wisdom; patterns from the past invisibly surface. You may call upon comparables from your experience or from things you’ve read or heard to help you navigate new terrain. Data from the past is either valuable or gets in the way.

For example, following an acquisition, one leader wanted to launch his team with the best resources and wisdom possible. Yet, it’s hard to predict how individuals will respond. Acquisitions and mergers trigger every territorial instinct we have—from who will get the best and biggest office, to who will be promoted, demoted or let go. We quickly shower the new situation with baggage from the past.

So, the leader decided to run a Team Journey. He designed a Learning Journey to preserve the best of what their team had been, and let go of the obstacles and limiting beliefs that would no longer serve them in the future. Within seven months, they produced results that exceeded their year-end expectations.

They acknowledged what worked in the past but were able to let go to create a new future. You can do the same.

Judith E. Glaser is CEO of Benchmark Communications, Inc. and Chairman of The Creating WE Institute. She is an Organizational Anthropologist, and consults to Fortune 500 Companies. Judith is the author of 4 best-selling business books, including her newest, Conversational Intelligence: How Great Leaders Build Trust and Get Extraordinary Results (Bibliomotion, 2013) Visit;; This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. or call 212-307-4386

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